Humbly swallowing a bitter pill
I am deficient in a wide multitude of things.. The ability too bake... anything... ever, understanding written directions, the desire to care about how or why something works but am happy to just know it does and leave it at that, advanced math.. like fractions, technical talk, controlling my road rage.. you know, the usual things. However there is one thing I am NOT deficient in. Doing. I am alllllways busy doing something. ALWAYS. I HAAAAAAAAATE being unproductive and waisting time. In fact, I have to control my OCD tendencies to not schedule out each minuet of each day. (I am guilty of this and know its unhealthy) Stopping just shy of that, I am usually a well organized and busy person. I write a schedule every day of things I want to accomplish and a game plan of how to most efficiently do my tasks. I LOVE my lists, I love crossing things off my lists even more. I am constantly moving, doing, and being as productive as physically possible.
Well... for the past 17 weeks, I've been a total waist of space it seems like. There are no itineraries, no meal plans, no cooking, no satisfaction of crossing anything off a list. There is no list. I think I am a rock star if I shower. A once daily ritual is now every other day at best, IF I can bring myself to go through the effort of actually doing it. Most days, its just too much to ask. I know I am growing a human blah blah blah.. I don't want to hear it. Spare me. Only true fellow doer's understand..
Swallowing my bitter pill is ASKIng for help, Asking for someone to please just watch emily for a hour or two while I take a nap, Asking for help in packing, moving, and unpacking because I just don't have anything in me to do it myself. We just moved into a new fabulous apartment on Thursday. Under normal cheryl doer rules, I would have set a goal for myself to have 99% of everything unpacked and in its spot by Friday night sunset. I would have achieved it too. But no, I still have boxes everywhere, I cant find anything, I unpack 3 boxes and than have to lay down because that was very exhausting. 30-45 minuets later I regain strength to stand back up. As I do my body screams and says "NOOOOO DONT DO IT!!!" but the doer in me pushes through. 3 maybe 4 more boxes if they are small.. and rest again. I HATE being dependent on others to do things for me that I am perfectly capable of doing myself. in the past, I would have just suffered through, silently doing what has to be done by my own self imposed deadlines. But as I slowly grow and mature.. and I do me VERY slowly... I am making changes and trying to humbly swallow my pride and OCD tendencies, and asking for help. Furthermore making myself be okay with accepting and receiving help.
So know, if I do ask you for help in any way, its a HUGE step for me to d so. It will pain my soul a little each time. But I hope in the end I will be a much better human for doing so. I look at my life over the past 17 weeks and feel totally overwhelmed with Tait being gone so much for the rest of the year and next, i cant imagine surviving with a newborn as well as a vibrant 3 year old with out.. HELP...
I am learning humbleness through my sever bouts of habitually throwing up and lack of energy motivation or effort, by asking for help.
