Missplaced Value

Several things have come to my mind today while purging my house with un used stuff.  

For the first I'd say 28 years of my life, I shamefully admit, I always felt my personal value was in my things.  I have always been unyielding in my sentiment.  If you gave me something, I will keep it until I have no recollection of who gave it to me.  It is ONLY at that point if it leaves my presence.  Cards, oh my dear, I probably have every card I have ever been given.  I just never can bring myself to part with them.  Still cant.  But my things, clothes, shoes, decorations, sofas, chairs, dishes cups I have always had the faulty belief that my value and substance as a human was based on these things.  

It always was incorrect and I knew it wasn't right but also wasn't at a place where I could mentally change.  

Getting married and leaving my big girl accounting job and disposable salary and moving to Utah to support my Tait through school threw us into seriously poor times.  $30 a week for food, ALWAYS towards the end of each semester about to run out of money only to be saved by the donation of a friend or stranger, sometimes both.  Ground beef was a luxury item otherwise it was ground turkey.  Still I clung to my clothes for dear life.  It was 2 very depressing years for MANY reasons.  The one I want to focus on was that I felt valueless because we simply couldn't afford anything.  No treats to Starbucks, no new clothes, no shoes, these things were far and few between.  I had a total identity crisis.  As if being married moving to a new state, no friends, new life, everything isn't hard enough. I had this horrible plague of a not helpful attribute hanging over me.  Still, I wasn't able to let go of clothes I KNEW I had no chance of wearing again, a small decorative pillow that I loved but never found the place to use, but I clung to it knowing someday I would have just the right spot for it.  (I never did, it was eventually donated to the salvation army, last year) 

Skip ahead.  

A couple years ago, I had worked very hard to cultivated a friend ship that ended up being ... deeply unfortunate.  No I will not talk about it. But that person taught me one thing I will forever be grateful for.  Stuff is just stuff.  You can always get more.  You cant take it with you so why fuss over stuff.   

Little by little I started purging..  I kind of freaked out a little and would replace every clothing item donated.  But eventually I got to a point where I could let things go and it was okay. I was still Cheryl even with out that one red sweater.  When we found out we were moving back to Washington from Indiana,  I was FINALLLLLY ready to accept that my stuff was just stuff and zero percent of my value as a human was in any way tied into a small decorative pillow, or a skirt.  We moved out here with bare bones of life stuff. It felt good. 

Am I appalled that it took me 28 years to figure this out? YOU BET! 

Its kind of shameful and moderately embarrassing to even type this up.  But as many of you know, I am not shy and will pretty much talk about 90% of the good bad and ugly sides of me.  

Upon getting a new home to live in, Ive recollected "stuff" not to fill a empty hole in my soul or to place value on myself as a human, but simply because we had practically nothing.  But after months of what seems like an endless task of cleaning shuffling and fussing over STUFF.  I've had enough.  Why spend hours a day exhausting myself cleaning fining places for that vase I MIGHT use sometime in the future or countless random things I try to make work because it is nice but I really dont need or use? I don't need 25 pairs of pants.  I only rotate between 4 because they fit the best.  The brown decorative bowl that I love, and have tried to make work in various parts of my house.. Ended up in the donate bag, along with a whole slew of other STUFF I can't or don't wear, Don't know where to put, don't use, never have used so on and so forth.  

ITS JUST STUFF! I cant take it with me why cling to it and try to use things to fill empty spaces in my heart that can not be filled with any object? Totally pointless. So with out mercy and VERY little sentiment a large donation was made to a thrift store and there is more to go.  Some things will go to other people I know will use or appreciate them. 

Do I still love clothes, absolutely, do I love my shoe babies and keep the nice ones in their boxes tissue filled toes and all? You bet ya. When I get a new skirt that fits just right will I be excited about it? oh yes!  Do I want to have nice things in my home. Of course. Thats okay. But that is not the sum of cheryl. There is no value in those things, not just because they probably came from the Good Will bins where I pay .89 cents a pound. My value system has totally changed and I thank God every day for that... 

For 28 years I put value in the wrong thing.. or things for that matter.  Now, my value is spent on buying extra groceries and inviting people over to share a meal and bond.  Value is placed on helping others when I can however I can and that fills my soul up in ways a pair of $90 jeans or $150 pair of shoes will never do.  

Thank you friends who I have had the honor of sharing a meal with these past few years.  You are very to me and irreplaceable. You dear friend are of extreme high value to me. 

Thank your parent for allowing you to live..

This comes to you after a LOOOONG week. I am hibernating up in my bed, flannel sheets that feel like the cozy hug I really just need, a kitty at my feet, wrecking ball Imperial Stout at my side, cloudy thoughts that might make writing impossible. Be warned this could be just random ramblings. My Tait down stairs having quality time with our monster, oh, I mean daughter... I simply cant take any more "nu-uh's" and that expressive look of "I know what you are asking but I am going to either ignore you or throw a life is over fit instead" 

My week has been full of constant "nu-uhs", tears of pure and utter devastation, whiney cries of not getting ones own way, seeking help but not actually wanting help, demands and screams.  AKA.. the mom of a 2 year old.  

How sad is it that we can relate so closely to the raw reactions of a 2 year old? From feeling hopeless about a situation we dont see an end to.  Getting an end and being upset its not the end we wanted.  Seeking wise counsel and when its not what we want to hear, reject it and do what we want anyway?Thus nullifying the potential opportunity to grow and be humbled.  Demanding perfection of ourselves or others, an impossible and fruitless task.  Having a fit when something pushes us over the breaking point

I am thankful that God never hides out from me.  Especially when I am not the picture off awesome. 

Recently I had a sit down to seek some advice on a topic I KNEW I had the wrong attitude about, and overwhelming feelings that were not productive.   NOTHING that was said was anything I wanted to hear at all.  However, It was what I needed to hear.  I needed to hear those things so I could progress and grow as a human.  Did I cry for 2 hours straight and than off and on for the rest of the day? you bet ya! You know, all grown up like.  

So yesterday when Emily was constantly crying non stop for 3 hours straight and than was sweet for 1 hour, napped, woke up and cried and fussed until bed time, constantly crying for not hearing what she wanted or getting what she wanted.  Me being agitated  with her, I am sure 2 weeks ago God was just the same with me saying "Reallly cheryl.... really... " Expecting me to act my age.. I too have to expect that emily will act her age.. which is 2.. Spiritually I am 10, so the fact that I can make this connection so closely to a 2 yr old is appalling and embarrassing to admit. 

I think its important to admit our feelers, fears, short comings, and need for help.  Its by admitting these things we can form bonds.  This can be done by relating because we have been there before like  the desperate cries for help with a struggling mom and being able to say "I have been there, I am there, I love you" asking for and humbly receiving advice to grow and change even if its not something we want to hear.  Maturity is being humbled enough to follow direction of said advice.  

James 5:16 says "Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working"

On this blog, I will confess much.  I think it is important to be open and honest and lay it all down on the line.  How else can we better love eaach other than to pray for one another specifically.  

Point: I think I need to pray a little harder for my poor 2 year old who has a zillion emotions and feelings that she has no idea what to do with.  For her testing and learning.  For her trust in me even if she detests my answer is not what she wants to hear.  She may throw a fit about it, but she does trust that I will hold firm to my answer no matter how many times she asks seeking something different.  I need to exercise more of the patience that God gives me, his 10 year old. I hate it..Patience is a dirty word in my book, but as much as I hate to admit it, its not ALL ABOUT ME!! :) Something I hope to teach her as I grow. 

My Imperial Stout is almost gone, I have inherited another kitty baby for snuggles, the squeals of laughter down stairs as Tait blows through the tube of a empty Reynolds Wrap and chases her around the house for some much needed father-daughter bonding time.  I think hibernation time has ended.  I feel better just typing and getting thoughts out of my head.  

Thank you dear reader... for reading my weekly soap box post.  My Final thought is as follows.  It is by sheer will power of restraint that any of us were allowed to live past the age of 3**.  Thank whomever raised you for demonstrating this restraint because I can almost guarantee that at one point or another, it was touch and go and a questionable choice. 

** age subject to change the older my child gets 

Reasons Why I detest Curious George

Since this is my blog I feel free to write about anything I please.  Things that plague me, things that vex me, things that are silly, things that are encouraging, things I struggle with so on. 

Today's topic I am pretty sure is silly and stupid but vexes me none the less.  Its more of a unsolicited rant over anything.  So what irritates me enough to blog about it? Answer: Curious George.  

Emily started kinda sorta watching TV not too long ago.  The first tv show I introduced her to was Leap Frog's Letter Machine Rescue Team.  Its about being a engineer. Over and over and over I watched the sammmme one. To be clear, Emily doesn't sit and watch tv all day by any means, however, she much like her grandma and mother like to have noise in the back ground while she accomplishes tasks.  Grandma ops for a channel on tv that plays all classic tv from the lone ranger to Adam 12, Bonanza to Daniel Boone (which is a personal favorite of mine). I opt for talk radio, streaming my beloved Glenn Beck to the tv and having it loud enough I can hear it while I work on my tasks.  I guess there are worse nasty habits to teach my child.

 I digress.  

  Upon desperate exploration to not hear the words " Design! Build! Test! Improve" for the zillionth time, I found other leap frog shows on Netflix and introduced them to miss Emily.  Success! 7 different shows to rotate through so I wouldn't get burnt out on any one show.  They are educational and fun and seriously my kid can count to 20 and knows tons of shapes, colors, animals, sounds ect.  I work with her based on things learned in the show. No matter if its just running in the background while we play blocks or vacuum the house together, or shes is actually watching it.  

So where does Curious George fit into this?

Tait often gets up with emily and they have morning time bonding together while I grasp onto every minuet of sleep I can. One morning he apparently couldnt stand to listen to another leap frog song or quote about measure mice or "square circle rectangle triangle shapes are all around us" (I cant blame him even if I think I am the one who really suffers)  he introduced Curious George or "Money Show" to our child.. A act that I will probably be on my death bed before I truly forgive him. 

I NEVER liked curious George. Ever. Not even as a child.  I found him creepy, obnoxious and lacking any common sense, devoid of reason and any sound judgement.  I thought I had made my feelings on Curious George well known to Tait, so either he just "forgot"  which is what he claims, or I had done something annoying and he was seeking revenge.  Either way, to this moment, obviously, I hold this as an act of terrorism. Emily LOVES this show and will actually sit and watch it and laugh and make comments like "oh no! Money fell down!" or "no no money" while adorable to see her interact in a positive way.  She is obviously learning something.  What I am not sure though.  

So here are finally my reasons of why I detest Curious George:

1. He is creepy.  There is something about him that even though I am a animal lover, creeps me out

2. He lacks all sense of reason and is void of thinking past the now

3. There are NEVER any consequences for his idiotic actions.  The man with the yellow hat constantly picks up the mess George made with a very gentle if any at all scolding.  

4. There are constantly lessons of "why that wasn't such a good idea" and while those are teachable moments, I feel at 2, Emily doesnt need any more ideas..

5. There is zero discipline.  As a person who believes very strongly in this it pains my soul to watch\listen to a show where there are no clear parameters. It bothers me greatly

6. George is habitually being given responsibility over things he a) Has no business being responsible for and b) given responsibility when he shoes zero lack of reason and responsibility considering everything he touches turns into a epic fail.  

7. The man with the yellow hat seems to never learn that by saying "George be sure to..." It will not happen.  

Point: While I enjoy teachable moments, I feel like Curious George gives me too many. Am I being a little harsh? sure.  Am I reading waaay to much into things? You bet! Do I care? Not so much.  I think its a crappy show.  While not the worst by any means I still hate it.  The evil money show will continue to play, my child will laugh and giggle at it and talk to George, even advise him NOT to do something.  A very bad sign in my mind that a 2 year old can pre meditate something is about to happen, but also makes me proud that I might be doing a half decent as a parent that my 2 year old is capable of seeing consequences of actions before hand.  

Many of you will say just stop letting her watch it.  But many of you do not have a spirited 2 year old. I pick my battles and even with my severe detest for this show and I am pretty sure I have night terrors that involve George's creepy face, it is not a battle I care to partake in at this moment in time.  I have far larger challenge to face like potty training and "don't drink from the kittys water", "carry your own babies down stairs", "stop screaming" "I cant give you rice until its cooked" you know. typical raising of a human activities.  

Rant complete.  For now.  

Friendship- Where art thou?

Friendship- Where art thou? 

Well, it's 4:57 am.. I have been awake for a good solid hour.. I hate it, but I also kind of love it.  In these quiet early morning hours, no one is vying for my attention. Except my kitty babies, they follow me wherever I go and MUST be near me at all times.  Its sweet really.. Anyway, nothing is required of me at this early hour from anyone.  I feel like I can just be .. Cheryl.  Someone in many ways I don't even know anymore.  Knee deep in mothering a 2 year old, potty training, meal planning, habitually cleaning, trying to keep everyone healthy and exploring the world of essential oils, organizing life, trying to learn more hymns for church, reading, bible study, prayer, attempting to be a better wife, attempting to be a better mom, attempting to be a better human, running a few different businesses, hobbies I refuse to give up because they fill a part of my soul that nothing else can.. I feel like me, Cheryl, gets lost in the shuffle and I feel even though I place a HUGE value on friendship, I always have, I find I pretty much am the worst friend of all time.  

Friendship and cultivating relationships has allllllllways been very important to me.  Some of you reading this will be people who I have known since birth and we have gone through life together, others are new friends, some cultivated online friendships that I value dearly. (more on that issue later, a lengthy rant really)  I am not going to re hash the past, but talk about the now. The place I have evolved to.  

Types of friendships I have: 

Upon moving back to my beloved home town, as a married adult with a child, I find it fascinating the friendships evolving and others falling away.  There are some fantastic people I am actually honored to have cultivated a true blue loving wonderful friendship with.  People I have known for a long long long time, and never would have dreamed we would become besties. I am tickled pink to be wrong, some of you I actually feel like I would be lost with out.  Others of you are new friends and while we may struggle a little to find the boundaries of our friendship, I can tell that we too are forging bonds that will be unbreakable.  Some of you are people I've known my entire life, we may not talk every day, we may not even talk for a month or two, but we know that when we do, its picking up where we left off.  We have done life together, sometimes we are super close, sometimes we are off doing our own thing, but our friendship has lasted our whole lives and that is something very special. Some people in my life I have known and loved for a long long time.  However, we have absolutely nothing in common anymore.  Our lives have taken us on very very different paths and while I love these people dearly, I have no idea how to be around them. I find myself awkwardly grasping at strings to find commonality between us to reestablish strength, but find it to be largely unsuccessful and it makes my heart hurt.  As a fixer, not being able to fix these friendships kill my soul a little.  I question would we be friends at all if we met for the  first time now, in our lives? Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes no. I struggle with the no's but will continue to try to make it work.  Others of you are strictly online friendships.  I KNOW this gets a lot of flack especially from anyone older than myself really.  Some of you are and probably always will be fantastic close true blue friends whom I know I can trust my soul with even though I have never met you.  I come from the generation when the internet was pretty much discovered.  Dial up connections, no google, not all information was at  your finger tips, things were primitive.  But there was a online forum chat room set up for the PNW teens in my church.  Friday nights were OUR nights.  20 separate chats open, bonding with friends from Canada, Idaho, some even cross country.  The bonds made in these caveman  like times still last to this day.  There are some of you who are VERY old online friends, some new, some I have met some I haven't and might not ever.   But quality friendships can be bonded on line. REAL friendships can happen. I am thankful for each one.  Some of you I text every single day about everything. None of you I talk to on the phone.  I would rather claw out my own eyeball and eat it than talk on the phone. I detest it to the core of my soul. 

Sadly, some people who probably are not reading this at all, are people who things could not be worked out, there are a few specific people who I will always love to my dying day, no matter how horrible things ended up, I think about them and my heart aches deeply for friendships lost to human nature.  

So where am I going with this? I want all of you to know, no matter what category you fit into, I love you guys.  You are all very special to me and I am sorry for being a miserable friend and not keeping up with how your dr appointment went, or that you sprained your ankle.  I am sorry I didnt know your pet died or your kids were sick.  I may not know or keep up with the inns and outs of each of your lives but it doesnt mean I don't care. I do care very much.  I do think about a lot of you, even in just a moment of quiet or I am out running errands and see a figurine of a polar bear, remember how you used to love and collect them and think of you.  In those quick passing moments I desperately hope that you felt the warmth of my good thoughts and love towards you.  Even if you will never know it was from  me.  I lament I am so busy in my own life trying to keep my head above water, that I let your dear friend down. 

One thing I also want to stress deeply to each of you is that no matter what you do, I love ya.  I may not always agree with you, I may in fact be thinking "um, I am pretty sure killing people is a bad idea" I might even say so even in fear you will turn on me, but friendship isnt about agreeing on everything and doing everything exactly the same..  It may be our commonalities  that bring us together, but its our differences that strengthen us and sharpen us to be better humans.  I appreciate those of you who see things differently and do things differently.  It may not work for me, or I might think its a bad idea, but who cares? Friendship shouldn't be based on each others approval of everything.  Its bout a common admiration care and concern for each others well being.  

Point: 

I am not a perfect friend by any means.  I am actually pretty dismal in my opinion.  You probably will agree, but no matter what category I may fit in your life, thank you for being my friend, old or new, strong or only friends because of our past, I think you all are very special and I do call myself blessed.  I always have your back when you need me and I may not understand you one iota, but I will support you and love you and sometimes even call you out, as I hope you will me too.  I don't judge your decisions, even if I don't understand or agree with them.  We all have to do what we have to do and thats okay.  When things work out I will rejoice with you and when things don't, I will lament with you.  

Dear friend, I love you.

Let Her Be

Let her be! 

This past week, Emily started saying something new "Let her be!" referring to herself.  It's so interesting how kids pick up random things we say.  Sometimes they use those words or phrases out of context and its adorable, other times, they use them spot on! Its incredible!  This is one of those times.  

Tait is a great father! But he is a fusser.. He fusses over Emily often and sometimes makes a sketchy situation worse.  It's at those moments when I say "let her be" I've been saying it for 2 full years now. This week, Emily decided to announce to Tait while trying to get her to wrangle her in a specific direction she obviously didn't want to go said "DAD! LET HER BE!!!"  Referring to herself and her lack of desire to be wrangled.  

Obviously we think this is hilarious.  While at church the other day, my arm was around the chair, I was brushing her hair with my fingers and she pushed my hand away and said "Let her be !" It was so serious in nature, and I can't help but turn away and laugh.  She knows what she wants or doesn't want, and while at times its VERY frustrating, others I am very proud.  

Decisiveness comes VERY easy to me, and is a trait Emily has inherited.  I can't help but feel a little bad for Tait being in a house full of very decisive girls.  Even our kitty babies are of the female gender and just as moody as the rest of us.  I told him I am pretty sure God is trying to teach him a lesson by being surrounded by so much decisive estrogen.  

I detest being fussed over, unless I am sick, at that point I want to be totally babied in every way and act moderately helpless.  I hate being fussed over otherwise.  My child is the same.  When she spouts out a "Let her be" I feel like we connect in some weird way as mother and daughter.  I know there will be MANY occasions when I do have to let her be, even if I don't want to, or know it will cause harm and she will get hurt.  Like myself, she already is demonstrating traits that she needs to learn for herself and being told Tabasco is yucky and very hot will not suffice, she needs to try it.  Yes this just happened last night. No she will not beg to play with the tobacco bottle at a restaurant ever again.  

Point: 

Since becoming a parent, my personal relationship with God has grown much.  I feel like I understand mine and His relationship a little better and am extremely humbled by it.   I know I have "let her be" moments with God, sometimes I am positive he laughs and pats me on my head (figuratively) knowing that me being me needs to taste the tabasco.  Sometimes "let her be" moments are selfish wanting to only do what ones will is and not thinking about consequence or how actions will affect others.  Sometimes they are deeply unfortunate and not appropriate for the occasion.  Others, they are exactly what is needed.  To not be swayed by the wind or wishy washy.  They can be spot on in accomplishing goals and keeping focus, not allowing others to influence, taunt, or egg on situations especially when it's been proven Tobasco is yucky and does in fact burn. I take much comfort in those moments. 

Keet it together Cheryl.. Introduction

Hi Friend,

It has been plaguing me for a long while, the need to blog again.. I have always wanted to be a blogger, and have made several attempts to do so in the past, but always get distracted, bored, or just totally forget about it all together.  Fail.

I have been fairly lonely for the past 6 years for various reasons, from isolation living in Utah to the life of a mom of a young child. I am way more a hermit than I'd like to admit.  The way I connect with people is through words.  I detest talking on the phone to the core of my soul. I find the most soothing thing is when I write a super long email to my beast friend (yes I said beast, yes it's a inside joke, and no I am not sharing) spilling my guts about this or that.  I find once I type it out, I instantly feel better about even the most deeply unfortunate of situations.  I feel like I just need to spill my guts a little more.

A close and personal friend is a an avid blogger and habitually posts.  I read as much of the blog as I can and love every word.  I feel instantly more connected and find lively conversations happen that solidify bonding.  This makes my soul feel happy and lifts my spirits.

So here I am, attempting to blog feelings that pretty much no one else will care about, but in hopes to get some feelers out of me will be healing and enable me to de-stress from life will enable health and potentially some emotional healing.

Please note, I can not spell to save my life, I don't even know what grammar is and even just spelt it grammer not grammar and had to use auto correct to fix it... So just drive on, I don't need grammatical corrections or someone to point out my lingual deformity. I am acutely aware of them and pretty much they will only be corrected as I start to home school my daughter and start at the beginning.. Maybe I'll learn the difference between then and than..

In any case, I hope someone can relate to my rants, raves and whatever else I need to get off my chest good bad and probably deeply unfortunate times... I already have 20 topics I have this intense need to disclose.

Happy reading random friend...