Missplaced Value

Several things have come to my mind today while purging my house with un used stuff.  

For the first I'd say 28 years of my life, I shamefully admit, I always felt my personal value was in my things.  I have always been unyielding in my sentiment.  If you gave me something, I will keep it until I have no recollection of who gave it to me.  It is ONLY at that point if it leaves my presence.  Cards, oh my dear, I probably have every card I have ever been given.  I just never can bring myself to part with them.  Still cant.  But my things, clothes, shoes, decorations, sofas, chairs, dishes cups I have always had the faulty belief that my value and substance as a human was based on these things.  

It always was incorrect and I knew it wasn't right but also wasn't at a place where I could mentally change.  

Getting married and leaving my big girl accounting job and disposable salary and moving to Utah to support my Tait through school threw us into seriously poor times.  $30 a week for food, ALWAYS towards the end of each semester about to run out of money only to be saved by the donation of a friend or stranger, sometimes both.  Ground beef was a luxury item otherwise it was ground turkey.  Still I clung to my clothes for dear life.  It was 2 very depressing years for MANY reasons.  The one I want to focus on was that I felt valueless because we simply couldn't afford anything.  No treats to Starbucks, no new clothes, no shoes, these things were far and few between.  I had a total identity crisis.  As if being married moving to a new state, no friends, new life, everything isn't hard enough. I had this horrible plague of a not helpful attribute hanging over me.  Still, I wasn't able to let go of clothes I KNEW I had no chance of wearing again, a small decorative pillow that I loved but never found the place to use, but I clung to it knowing someday I would have just the right spot for it.  (I never did, it was eventually donated to the salvation army, last year) 

Skip ahead.  

A couple years ago, I had worked very hard to cultivated a friend ship that ended up being ... deeply unfortunate.  No I will not talk about it. But that person taught me one thing I will forever be grateful for.  Stuff is just stuff.  You can always get more.  You cant take it with you so why fuss over stuff.   

Little by little I started purging..  I kind of freaked out a little and would replace every clothing item donated.  But eventually I got to a point where I could let things go and it was okay. I was still Cheryl even with out that one red sweater.  When we found out we were moving back to Washington from Indiana,  I was FINALLLLLY ready to accept that my stuff was just stuff and zero percent of my value as a human was in any way tied into a small decorative pillow, or a skirt.  We moved out here with bare bones of life stuff. It felt good. 

Am I appalled that it took me 28 years to figure this out? YOU BET! 

Its kind of shameful and moderately embarrassing to even type this up.  But as many of you know, I am not shy and will pretty much talk about 90% of the good bad and ugly sides of me.  

Upon getting a new home to live in, Ive recollected "stuff" not to fill a empty hole in my soul or to place value on myself as a human, but simply because we had practically nothing.  But after months of what seems like an endless task of cleaning shuffling and fussing over STUFF.  I've had enough.  Why spend hours a day exhausting myself cleaning fining places for that vase I MIGHT use sometime in the future or countless random things I try to make work because it is nice but I really dont need or use? I don't need 25 pairs of pants.  I only rotate between 4 because they fit the best.  The brown decorative bowl that I love, and have tried to make work in various parts of my house.. Ended up in the donate bag, along with a whole slew of other STUFF I can't or don't wear, Don't know where to put, don't use, never have used so on and so forth.  

ITS JUST STUFF! I cant take it with me why cling to it and try to use things to fill empty spaces in my heart that can not be filled with any object? Totally pointless. So with out mercy and VERY little sentiment a large donation was made to a thrift store and there is more to go.  Some things will go to other people I know will use or appreciate them. 

Do I still love clothes, absolutely, do I love my shoe babies and keep the nice ones in their boxes tissue filled toes and all? You bet ya. When I get a new skirt that fits just right will I be excited about it? oh yes!  Do I want to have nice things in my home. Of course. Thats okay. But that is not the sum of cheryl. There is no value in those things, not just because they probably came from the Good Will bins where I pay .89 cents a pound. My value system has totally changed and I thank God every day for that... 

For 28 years I put value in the wrong thing.. or things for that matter.  Now, my value is spent on buying extra groceries and inviting people over to share a meal and bond.  Value is placed on helping others when I can however I can and that fills my soul up in ways a pair of $90 jeans or $150 pair of shoes will never do.  

Thank you friends who I have had the honor of sharing a meal with these past few years.  You are very to me and irreplaceable. You dear friend are of extreme high value to me.